God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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