If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
