1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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