Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
