Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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