a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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