It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
