Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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