But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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