bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
