I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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