boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
