I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I have aggressive nipples.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
