just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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