Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.