ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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