Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....