On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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