i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
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Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
And then the night went full on bisexual.
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It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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