I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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