Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize