My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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