I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
