i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
