i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Rumble strips road head = magical
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
