I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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