Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize