Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
