life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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