You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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