I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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