so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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