and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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