I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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