Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You may now shotgun with the bride
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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