my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
