I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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