Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
