Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
