I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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