Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
