also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
All I want is dick and wine.
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