Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
