I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
