I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
