I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
