i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
