I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
