Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
