She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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