I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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