if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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