He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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