i love accidental penises.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
