Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
