I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
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Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
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The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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