my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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